We had a lovely morning with some friends; chatting about nature tables...eating rice and apple porridge...
We are taking our tree down this weekend...packing away all our decorations; reflecting upon how big our little boy will be when we see them next Christmas..
I was able to attend a beautiful Christmas Pageant at an Episcopalian church this past Sunday. I can't recall the last time I stepped into a church...and I know that I've never gotten a warm or glorious feeling. For those of you who have been reading my thoughts on this blog, you know that I do not consider myself a religious person or a follower of God.
Yet, somehow, this past weekend was different.
Was it the beautiful and rustic setting?
The kind-faced female leading the service?
The children?
The magic of Christmas?
The friendly faces all around me?
I don't know.
But something within me has changed.
Katherine Burleson, 'Epiphany Times three'
Is it me maturing...as a woman and mother? Am I ready to set aside my pride...and accept God?
To forget the memories of being scolded for dancing during a church service when I was 10 years old?
To forget the condescending tones of the parish members at my grandmother's church (which might be my most least favorite place..ever. To me, a fancy sound system, tons of money, and a brand new..everything..mean nothing to someone trying to come to know God.)
Something about this place, this church, made me feel good and whole.
The soup kitchen they run. A homeless shelter. The Montessori-based curriculum for their Sunday schools. The modest fellowship hall; devoid of anything fancy. Ordained women who seem real....and my age, too!
I owe it to myself...and to Wesley to make this right. I have had bad experiences, and they have shaped a part of me. I have been so confused. This is not something I want for my son! To believe in a heaven above...a creator, a protector...this is a great part of life and wholeness!
But where do I start?
Something tells me help is on the way....and what a time of year for it!
What a beautiful and honest post. The church you found sounds wonderful...like what a church is meant to be. I pray that you find exactly what you need this year. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm happy for you! You start right where you are, and just open your heart and mind. It sounds like you had some terrible experiences with religion when you were growing up. I'm sorry. I did too. I don't consider myself religious anymore, but I did give God another chance..and I'm glad I did.
ReplyDeletejust remember that God holds no religion sacred... God is bigger than all of the religious boxes combined... God wears no dogma.
ReplyDeleteit sounds to me like you might want to try that church again :)
What a lovely experience you had! I believe that God is in yourself, the light within that started all and unites all living things here on earth. Maybe you felt this when you were in this lovely church? That God is still inside you, despite your terrible experiences? I hope you understand what I'm saying (I'm from Holland and maybe my English is not very good!). I am sure you'll find what you need if you just listen to the voice within ... Barbara
ReplyDeleteThis (and the beginnings of our conversation the other day) makes me truly happy. If you have any questions, need to talk about it, want books to read, well... I'm here for you!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your honest post. I find it a relief to hear someone else echoing my own experiences. I've been yearning for similar experiences but everywhere seems empty. Never having been a "churchy" girl, I still feel like I'm seeking. I feel the presence of wonder and spirit more in my own home (and try to create spaces for them) than any churches I've been inside.
ReplyDeleteoh lovely mama, i know how much an experience so meaningful can start a gal thinking... this has happened to me in my life as well - when i was a young mama-- what a journey of self discovery you are embarking on... don't fear the answers you recieve -- the universe and it's higher power is a giving spirit- the beauty in being human is that we are fluid.. we can change as we learn-- and grow as we learn more about ourselves..and our needs ... the beauty about being women is our ability to accept wisdom as we gain it....
ReplyDeletemuch light and peace to you as discover ......
Beautiful mama! Congrats on finding the Lord? or did He find you?
ReplyDelete~Samantha
I hope your feelings are true and not just some pressure you might feel. Finding God sounds so beautiful... Yet I'm not there, I don't know if I'll ever be. Papa was raised Catholic, and says it was feeling great to believe.. A happy place. So I'm happy if you found your happy place!
ReplyDeleteI was told off for dancing in church as a child too. It was at a baptist church. Now I am a Catholic and I often find myself jigging along to the music but happily nobody seems to notice because everyone is concentrating on Jesus coming to us. Enjoy your journey.
ReplyDeleteJust start with a quiet spirit that is open and searching. I see God's presence so vividly in nature and in my children. You'll find Him in lots of unexpected places. (As for dancing in church, I do it all the time. How else do you keep a two year old occupied!)
ReplyDeleteThis is amazing news! i'm so happy for you :)
ReplyDeleteThis is lovely. Thanks so much for sharing. I hope you have many happy dances with your wee ones in church.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad the church you visited is using godly play - let me know if you ever have any questions on that front as I love it and have read most of Barryman (who came up with godly play). All the best,
Emily
Oh, I'm so glad your heart is opened and you've found a place that is encouraging for you. Its always hard to move past those moments and re-open your heart. I know personally there are certain things from my younger years that affected me a lot because of my age and sensitive spirit. That is why I try so hard to have a sensitive spirit to my children. I think so often older people forget the sweetness and love that come from children and instead think of what is *appropriate*. I truly believe that God looks at the heart, not the outward appearance. How much joy it brought him that you truly loved and danced in happiness! Much love to you Rebecca!!!
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely post and a beautiful calming experience. My husband had some pretty negative experiences with religion as a child; I had some too. Good grief-scolded for dancing in church?! That is where all of the fun is. I feel God, Nature, Great Spirit (I don't really have a name for her) the most is art, music and dance. Hmmph. We all have to make our own way. I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you so much for your authenticity and honesty! xoxo, Angela
ReplyDeletesimply beautiful and honest!
ReplyDeleteJoy to you and your opened heart! My faith is the strength of my life and my church is my sweet family of support. Thank you for your truth and for sharing your journey.
ReplyDeleteI just want to say Amen to this post. Its such a shame that you had some horrible experiences in your past. Church is an interesting and complicated thing. You are so right that if you truly are seeking a relationship with God you do not need any of the other stuff, sound system, modern furniture, big building or anything else. “Where two or more are gathered there I am also” Gods word says. We Christians are human, we are not perfect and we take Gods word and with good intentions usually mess it up. I wish you peace during this journey and encourage you to always seek the truth. Forget the past and find the truth!! God Bless you!
ReplyDeleteGlad to have you in my life!
ReplyDelete